Quietly gushing

Read Andrea's post today about her twins turning 1, today.  She is a beautiful woman.  I can only guess how busy she must be and yet she remains so positive and full of love.

So then I look at myself and have to ask why I don't gush over my children.  Isn't that what mothers do. . . they gush?

I took a bible study class regarding the Spirits Fruits, and one of the principles was that you have to "act" it before you can "become" it.  If you want to be more forgiving, act it, and the forgiveness will come genuinely later.  If you want to be more grateful, act it, and gratitude will come.  If you want to love more, act it and the love will come.

I want to be the Mom who quietly gushes - but gushes none-the-less.   I want to gush, because inside, I can't help but not gush.

Having twins was hard for me.  But now, I think I've told myself it was hard so many times that I say it without thinking and fail to share with people that it was worth it.  I catch myself sweeping my boys to the side because they were "hard" when I should be gushing.  (Words and decriptions aren't coming here, bear with me.)

Example:  At the park, a mother was saying how she was a twin and how she was sooo grateful she had two, one at a time.  I then shared with her that I had twins and then couldn't stop myself as I went on to say that I never wanted twins, that they were hard work, that people who want twins have no idea what they're wishing for. . . and somebody should stop me.  Because while I'm on my soapbox I've forgotten to say how worth it they are, how I'd do it again, how much joy they bring to my home, how much they were meant to come together, how much I love them.  And I wonder if the lady walked away knowing how much they mean to me.  And I start to wonder if the boys heard, and how sad that would make me if they ever heard and thought, that because they were twins, they were loved less.

Being a mother is work.  But once, before Lil Miss was born, I sent my children to visit with Gramas while I took some much needed time to myself.  I got a lot done, a lot accomplished.  I did just what I wanted to do, ate when I wanted to eat, went where I wanted to go and stayed for as long as I pleased and at the end of the day, for all that I had checked off my to do list, I felt unfulfilled.   I was happy, but I did not feel joy.  Because joy is being a mother.  Joy is being the mother to 6 children who make every day completely worth it, even when nothing gets done.   Sometimes, I need to say it, to "act it", to remember how much I love them.  Because, I do.